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Storytime:
I was diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety and OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) last November 2022. Yung first na gamot ko is Alprazolam as anxiolytic at Escitalopram as SSRI Antidepressant.
First week ng pag inom ko, I feel so tired at nag aalburuto yung sikmura ko. Probably dahil pinakamaraming serotonin receptors mayron ang gut natin. I experience dry mouth also pero nilalabanan ko by chewing sugar free gum, yung Xylitol.
Second week, naadopt ko na yung bad feeling sa sikmura ko. Pero lumalala yung emotional blunting na side effect sakin. I feel like a robot. Parang tinanggalan ako ng emotion. I'm so comfortably numb to the point na kaya ko makipagtitigan sa kisame ng 24/7 without doing anything or fidgeting. I had a date with a girl na nakilala ko sa workplace namin. First impression ko is very blunt talaga. Like parang wala akong maramdaman na romantic kahit anong piga sa damdamin ko. Bumagsak yung libido ko, in my mind parang I don't give a shit about girls. Yung appetite ko nawala, kumakain ako 1 to 2 times a day nalang. Nagweight loss ako from 55kg to 53kg. Sobrang payat ko na to think na 5'7" yung height ko, kamukha ko na si Christian Bale sa The Machinist na movie.
I tried experimenting by watching different genre of movies. Comedy, I can't laugh. Tried horror, can't feel any fear. Drama, can't feel any sympathy. Parang wala akong pakialam sa paligid ko, wala akong pakialam sa mga kaibigan, pamilya at mga kakilala ko. Ang alam ko lang e tumitig sa kisame habang nakahiga at maging tulala ng 30 minutes sa loob ng banyo bago maligo.
Though nawala nga yung depressing and intrusive thoughts ko, may kapalit naman, which is ang pagiging manhid ko sa iba pang emosyon ko. Actually, superior na feeling sana yung ganon, yung manhid ka sa lahat ng sakit, kalungkutan at galit. Pero yung motivation ko, sinama rin sa tinanggal. I don't feel like continuing this shit. So, I asked my psych to replace my medication.
First week of May 2023, I switched to tricyclic antidepressant called Amitriptyline Hydrochloride. Together with Clonazepam as my Benzodiazepine. First week from taking it, parang bigla nagturn yung table the opposite way, I feel so motivated and energetic. Biglang nagboost yung appetite ko. Like sobrang takaw ko kumain. Yung combination ng antidepressant na yun at yung benzo is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
Another week later, I began lifting weights. Nagstart na ako magworkout 3 to 4 times per week. I gained both fat, muscle mass and contractile tissues. From 53kg to 64kg in just 15 days. I was so mindblown and mind****ed ng biglaan na newbie gain ko. Probably, water retention dahil sa creatine supplement ko. To be continued...
I was diagnosed with Depression, Anxiety and OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) last November 2022. Yung first na gamot ko is Alprazolam as anxiolytic at Escitalopram as SSRI Antidepressant.
First week ng pag inom ko, I feel so tired at nag aalburuto yung sikmura ko. Probably dahil pinakamaraming serotonin receptors mayron ang gut natin. I experience dry mouth also pero nilalabanan ko by chewing sugar free gum, yung Xylitol.
Second week, naadopt ko na yung bad feeling sa sikmura ko. Pero lumalala yung emotional blunting na side effect sakin. I feel like a robot. Parang tinanggalan ako ng emotion. I'm so comfortably numb to the point na kaya ko makipagtitigan sa kisame ng 24/7 without doing anything or fidgeting. I had a date with a girl na nakilala ko sa workplace namin. First impression ko is very blunt talaga. Like parang wala akong maramdaman na romantic kahit anong piga sa damdamin ko. Bumagsak yung libido ko, in my mind parang I don't give a shit about girls. Yung appetite ko nawala, kumakain ako 1 to 2 times a day nalang. Nagweight loss ako from 55kg to 53kg. Sobrang payat ko na to think na 5'7" yung height ko, kamukha ko na si Christian Bale sa The Machinist na movie.
I tried experimenting by watching different genre of movies. Comedy, I can't laugh. Tried horror, can't feel any fear. Drama, can't feel any sympathy. Parang wala akong pakialam sa paligid ko, wala akong pakialam sa mga kaibigan, pamilya at mga kakilala ko. Ang alam ko lang e tumitig sa kisame habang nakahiga at maging tulala ng 30 minutes sa loob ng banyo bago maligo.
Though nawala nga yung depressing and intrusive thoughts ko, may kapalit naman, which is ang pagiging manhid ko sa iba pang emosyon ko. Actually, superior na feeling sana yung ganon, yung manhid ka sa lahat ng sakit, kalungkutan at galit. Pero yung motivation ko, sinama rin sa tinanggal. I don't feel like continuing this shit. So, I asked my psych to replace my medication.
First week of May 2023, I switched to tricyclic antidepressant called Amitriptyline Hydrochloride. Together with Clonazepam as my Benzodiazepine. First week from taking it, parang bigla nagturn yung table the opposite way, I feel so motivated and energetic. Biglang nagboost yung appetite ko. Like sobrang takaw ko kumain. Yung combination ng antidepressant na yun at yung benzo is the best thing that has ever happened to me in my entire life.
Another week later, I began lifting weights. Nagstart na ako magworkout 3 to 4 times per week. I gained both fat, muscle mass and contractile tissues. From 53kg to 64kg in just 15 days. I was so mindblown and mind****ed ng biglaan na newbie gain ko. Probably, water retention dahil sa creatine supplement ko. To be continued...
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