Closed Anonymous Cool Random Humor Funny Quotes (English)

[Cartridge]

Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is
realizing that the other person is completely
stupid.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, but if the
doctor is cute forget the fruit.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Ever looked at your ex and wondered... was I
drunk the entire relationship?
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Where do I see myself in a year? I don't know, I
don't have 2020 vision.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

How to do sit-ups: Lay down, hands behind your
head. Wow, this is a good position for a nap.
Maybe I'll just take a nap.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

My husband and I are doing a workshop. He works
and I'll shop.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Can we start the weekend again? I wasn't ready.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

My idea of housework is to sweep the room with
a glance.
-Erma Bombeck

 

[Cartridge]

Taking a dog named shark to the beach is a bad
idea.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I can't believe I forgot to go to the gym today.
That's like 7 years in a row now.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Target cashier: Did you find everything you were
looking for? Me: First of all, I wasn't looking
for ANY of this.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Less is more, unless it's kindness, sleep, or
toilet paper.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I'm dying for some sweets and the only thing
sweet in the house is me.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

My superpower? I can look you right in the eyes
while you're talking and not hear a single word
you said.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

One of the benefits of being my friend is that
you can come to my house in your pajamas, no
make-up, and look like crap and I won't judge
you.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

Remember when we were young we wanted to
stay up for New Year's? Now we're old and
cursing because we're staying up past 9:30 and
our entire sleep routine is disturbed.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

New year resolution: Complete the resolutions I
set in 2019, that were actually from 2018,
passed down from 2017, originally from 2016,
actually set in 2015, that all began in 2014 but
truly started in 2013.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

My new year resolutions: 1. Stop procrastinating
so much. 2. I'll post the rest tomorrow or
whenever.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

A new year resolution is something that goes in
one year and out the other.
-Anonymous

 

[Cartridge]

I don't have a new year resolution - you don't
need that when you're perfect.
-Anonymous