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Poem #6

Discussion started by unknownmotivator, Oct 5, 2018.

  1. unknownmotivator

    unknownmotivator Addict Established


    When the day before im here today
    My experience about life is undescribe
    Walking alone from far, far away
    My TUMMY uneasy like, can't survive

    I admit, I blame our God before that time
    I say; "this not fair!" through all i've done
    I work hard, harder as I can so far
    But I'm still poor, with undesire

    A lot of voices, I hear passing by
    Different kind of people, don't know "Why"
    They aren't know how do I live
    Then suddenly, my sadness dissappeared

    I started to stand, all alone
    With no help from others hand
    I deleted all my doubts, myself
    Thats my way of success, intend

    And now, im proud to shout this out!
    That Im the barely Hero, all my life!
    Im standing now and stall them all
    Those people bring me down that time before

    Flash back in my real life:

    Sariwa pa nga sa aking isipan. Ang mga nakaraang ako pa'y naghihirap.
    Pilit magtrabaho gamit ang pagsisikap Subalit mailap pa rin ang pag-asenso, pagkat ako'y mahirap.
    Umabot na sa sukdulan ang aking pagkapagod. Lubos akong nag-isip, at tila nabangongot
    Sa sobrang pagkaluhod, ng akingn isipan. Muntikan ko nang wakasan, ang aking paghihirap
    Bagamat ako'y muntikan nang magtiwakal. Hanggang sa dumating yung bagay na ako'y naliwanagan
    Ang buhay ay masaya, di lang nahahalata. Dahil sa puno ng pighati na ating nadarama.
    Huwag sumuko, yan ang aking natutunan. Lahat naman tayo may kanya-kanyang pinagdadaanan
    Lahat may kanya-kanyang kuwento; masaya, malungkot o nakakatakot.
    Lahat ng ito'y may katuturan. Dahil titibay tayo sa pagiging PALABAN..

    Dooms2112 likes this.
  2. Secondline: My experience about life is undescribe
    "Undescribable" is more appropriate:emoji_grin:
    Let cutemedievil do the rest:emoji_grinning:
    baguling and unknownmotivator like this.
  3. unknownmotivator

    unknownmotivator Addict Established

    thank you sir but i honestly let it undescribe to become rhymed to the last words of the 4th line
  4. Ok, atleast put a "d" on the end of it:emoji_grin:
  5. unknownmotivator

    unknownmotivator Addict Established

    Indeed... thats what im waiting for.. as I expected ^_^
  6. Aye let me put on my compiler glasses!
  7. Line #2: Yep, put the "d" in there. Right in there!
    Line #4: "...,barely survived." is better word choice here.
    Line #6: "I said...", pay attention to tenses. :emoji_wink:
    Line #7: "I worked hard,..." past tense my dude.
    Line #8: "...,with no desires." I think would be better.
    Line #11: "They don't know the way I'm living."
    Line #14: "With no help from others' hand." Though do put "other's" if you meant to target a singular pronoun.
    Line #15: I don't know if "deleted" is the right word choice here, though it works, you can change it to like "removed" or better yet "got rid".
    Line #17: When you're referring to yourself e.g I, I'm, I'd, you always use capital "I".
    Lines #18 & #19: Apostrophes are powerful. You should make use of it.
    Lines #20: "Those people brought me down, many times before." OR "Those people tried bringing me down, many times before."

    Milk anyone? :emoji_joy:
    Lightrash and unknownmotivator like this.
  8. Lemme just say, your English games are getting better.
    unknownmotivator likes this.
  9. __SaD__

    __SaD__ PHC Contributor Established

  10. unknownmotivator

    unknownmotivator Addict Established

    i did already in my poetry blog would you mind to visit my poetry blog?
    Login to view Links

    please do... correct me there :) i need you hehehe lol sabay ganun
  11. unknownmotivator

    unknownmotivator Addict Established

    realy? that realy awesome..
  12. Yep. You're kind of, tad-bit, a lil bit, somewhat getting better. Hahaha
    unknownmotivator likes this.
  13. Got some more milk?:emoji_grimacing:
    unknownmotivator likes this.
  14. unknownmotivator

    unknownmotivator Addict Established

    wait? what was that?
  15. unknownmotivator

    unknownmotivator Addict Established

    i thought you would tell "need to eat some more rice" hahaha
    Lightrash likes this.
  16. she means you're improving bit by bit:emoji_grin:
    unknownmotivator likes this.
  17. Oh yes, come come. Milk is this way! :emoji_nerd:
  18. madogou

    madogou Journeyman Established

    small progress is still progress! keep it up!
  19. unknownmotivator

    unknownmotivator Addict Established

    lol to be honest.. if i knew a thing already... i always listening to others opinion still.
    I am like a glass. when its full I drop the water and take some to become full ,again..

    :emoji_mask:last ko na talaga to mukhang magkakasakit ako sa english 30 mins ko yata tinype tong reply ko wahahahah
  20. I think an hourglass would fit you better.
    unknownmotivator likes this.
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