J
Jeanh
Guest
Love does exist, but saying that is saying little because "love" is deeply ambiguous. You seem to be particularly interested in forms of love that entail a relationship build on mutual respect and trust, however, such as friendship and romantic relationships.
Love, both in friendship and romance, can exist without there being perfect trust. In fact, perfect trust is almost certainly unattainable, as is the case with all ideals. Trust is also one of those ideals that are at once both positive and negative. Mistrust, or vigilance, makes a relationship more fragile, potentially isolating us, but it also serves to protect us, so it's a double-edged sword.
I believe true trust is formed from our social intuitions. We cannot, nor should we, trust people because someone has told us "that person is trustworthy". People are different, and a person who has an impeccable record of trustworthiness in relation to someone may prove deeply unreliable to someone else, because different things are required and expected by each person. In the end, you can only rely on your own, personal, intuitive judgement when trying to determine who you should ultimately trust, and in what way.
Absolute trust, without limitations or reservations is something that should be given to very few people indeed, if anyone. Love can exist and flourish without this kind of absolute trust, however. In fact, some types of relationships based on love benefit, or even depend on a certain type of contractual, habitual deceptiveness.
There are certain things couples will not say to each other. Other things are usually said in such a way that what is actually said is in fact far from the intended message. These kinds of lies can, for example, serve as tests of devotion, or as a shield to protect one's closest held secrets and integrity. They are fairly commonplace in almost all relationships.
The acquisition of true love has a few factors involved. I will list a few, but it is well possible that I will forget some. Please comment if something else occurs to you.
1. Love is primarily an act of will. Of course all of the other things have a say too, but will-power is the only thing that can get you through difficult times in a relationship, which are sure to occur. You have to decide to hold on to your partner in bad times as in good times, otherwise your relationship will not last, and if it doesn't last, it cannot be true love.
2. The feelings. Feelings are very strong when you "fall in love", but tend to become weaker over time. With true love, the positive feelings towards each other should not fade away, they should ideally even grow with time. But feelings are clearly less central than will.
3. Attraction. Two people who love each other should be and remain attracted to one another. This doesn't only include physical attraction. Attraction to one's character is just as important if not more important.
4. Unity. Of course all people have some differences, but those can be overcome by the power of will, as stated above. It is still important to have a unity concerning the important things in life (meaning also that you count the same things as important). This can include plans for the future, likes and dislikes, and even a certain equivalence in education and knowledge. Above all, spiritual unity is important. If the two partners have the same faith and count their faith as equally important, that is already a great advantage.
5. Culture. I do not count this point as very important as there can be (lasting, happy) marriages between different cultures, and the readiness for intercultural relationships is increasing a lot these days. Nevertheless, same culture also provides for unity in many things, therefore can help.
Now here are some attributes of true love. Again, if you can think of more or disagree with me, please comment.
True love is:
1. Selfless: Most people are to some extent selfish, even in love relationships. True love is never selfish but always thinks and acts for the good of the partner. It would die for the partner.
2. Unconditional: "I love you because you're beautiful", "I love you because you're smart", "I love you because you're good in bed", "I will love you if you take me to a restaurant every wednesday night", "I will love you if you stop *******", "I will love you if you love me back". All these things are statements of conditonal love. True love doesn't make conditions. It accepts the partner however she/he is. (This can only be acquired through will-power, as stated above, but most humans or even all human are uncapable of this type of love.)
3. Enduring: True love bites through bad times and eventually gets over them. This means: no divorces. Divorce means you didn't have a true love.
4. Growing: True love grows with time as you get to know your partner better.
5. And many other aspects.
Love, both in friendship and romance, can exist without there being perfect trust. In fact, perfect trust is almost certainly unattainable, as is the case with all ideals. Trust is also one of those ideals that are at once both positive and negative. Mistrust, or vigilance, makes a relationship more fragile, potentially isolating us, but it also serves to protect us, so it's a double-edged sword.
I believe true trust is formed from our social intuitions. We cannot, nor should we, trust people because someone has told us "that person is trustworthy". People are different, and a person who has an impeccable record of trustworthiness in relation to someone may prove deeply unreliable to someone else, because different things are required and expected by each person. In the end, you can only rely on your own, personal, intuitive judgement when trying to determine who you should ultimately trust, and in what way.
Absolute trust, without limitations or reservations is something that should be given to very few people indeed, if anyone. Love can exist and flourish without this kind of absolute trust, however. In fact, some types of relationships based on love benefit, or even depend on a certain type of contractual, habitual deceptiveness.
There are certain things couples will not say to each other. Other things are usually said in such a way that what is actually said is in fact far from the intended message. These kinds of lies can, for example, serve as tests of devotion, or as a shield to protect one's closest held secrets and integrity. They are fairly commonplace in almost all relationships.
The acquisition of true love has a few factors involved. I will list a few, but it is well possible that I will forget some. Please comment if something else occurs to you.
1. Love is primarily an act of will. Of course all of the other things have a say too, but will-power is the only thing that can get you through difficult times in a relationship, which are sure to occur. You have to decide to hold on to your partner in bad times as in good times, otherwise your relationship will not last, and if it doesn't last, it cannot be true love.
2. The feelings. Feelings are very strong when you "fall in love", but tend to become weaker over time. With true love, the positive feelings towards each other should not fade away, they should ideally even grow with time. But feelings are clearly less central than will.
3. Attraction. Two people who love each other should be and remain attracted to one another. This doesn't only include physical attraction. Attraction to one's character is just as important if not more important.
4. Unity. Of course all people have some differences, but those can be overcome by the power of will, as stated above. It is still important to have a unity concerning the important things in life (meaning also that you count the same things as important). This can include plans for the future, likes and dislikes, and even a certain equivalence in education and knowledge. Above all, spiritual unity is important. If the two partners have the same faith and count their faith as equally important, that is already a great advantage.
5. Culture. I do not count this point as very important as there can be (lasting, happy) marriages between different cultures, and the readiness for intercultural relationships is increasing a lot these days. Nevertheless, same culture also provides for unity in many things, therefore can help.
Now here are some attributes of true love. Again, if you can think of more or disagree with me, please comment.
True love is:
1. Selfless: Most people are to some extent selfish, even in love relationships. True love is never selfish but always thinks and acts for the good of the partner. It would die for the partner.
2. Unconditional: "I love you because you're beautiful", "I love you because you're smart", "I love you because you're good in bed", "I will love you if you take me to a restaurant every wednesday night", "I will love you if you stop *******", "I will love you if you love me back". All these things are statements of conditonal love. True love doesn't make conditions. It accepts the partner however she/he is. (This can only be acquired through will-power, as stated above, but most humans or even all human are uncapable of this type of love.)
3. Enduring: True love bites through bad times and eventually gets over them. This means: no divorces. Divorce means you didn't have a true love.
4. Growing: True love grows with time as you get to know your partner better.
5. And many other aspects.
