"It's hard to feel happy when you're carrying around anger and resentment," says Andrea Brandt, PhD, MFT, a Santa Monica, CA–based psychotherapist and author of Mindful Anger. "The act of forgiving can turn something negative into a powerful, life-changing experience." 2.Recognize whether you're ready to let go.
Trying to force yourself into a hasty reconciliation is a bad idea. "You need time to fully experience, examine, and release all the emotions you're feeling," Brandt says. That might take 2 months or 2 years. How will you know you're ready? "Trust your body," she advises. "Visualize what you would say, and if that makes you tense or upset—or like you want to throw up—you're not ready to forgive." 3.Now, forgive yourself.
More often than not, both people involved in a fight said or did things that contributed to the fallout, Brandt says. In those situations, the biggest barrier to forgiveness can be feelings of shame or embarrassment at your own actions. "Sometimes you have to forgive yourself before you can forgive the other person," she explains. "That means coming to terms with the fact that no one is perfect—not even you—and that we all make mistakes."
4.Forgiveness doesn't have to be spoken.
In some cases—lots of them, actually—trying to talk through your dispute or saying the words "I forgive you" is only going to reignite the fire of your old argument, Brandt says. In those cases, forgiveness may be something you silently acknowledge to yourself, and then demonstrate through your actions. Maybe you don't avoid her the next time you're in the same room. Or maybe you offer to pick him up at the airport. "Sometimes it's better just to move on and not to revisit," Brandt adds.
5.But other times, you've gotta talk it out.
If you know you won't be able to let go and move on without hearing an apology—or at least a better explanation—then at some point you'll need to sit down and hash things out with the other person, Brandt says. When you're emotionally ready to go through with this—again, trust your body, she says—be sure to focus what you say on your own feelings or behaviors, not the other person's. "Stick to 'I feel' statements, not 'you did' statements," she advises. "If you only talk about how you feel or why you did what you did, you'll stay away from accusations or assigning blame, which can make the other person defensive and trigger arguments." 6.Finally, establish boundaries.
Forgiving someone doesn't mean going back to the way you used to be, Brandt says. After all, how you used to be led to your big blowup. For that reason, it's important to establish rules or set boundaries that will keep you from slipping back into acrimony. Maybe that means limiting the amount of time you spend with the person, or avoiding certain situations or activities that you know could spell trouble. "I had a friend who told me he could only spend 20 minutes with his brother, because beyond that they'd argue," she says. Whether you avoid drinking ******* or discussing certain topics with the person, "setting those kinds of boundaries is a good idea," she adds.
Trying to force yourself into a hasty reconciliation is a bad idea. "You need time to fully experience, examine, and release all the emotions you're feeling," Brandt says. That might take 2 months or 2 years. How will you know you're ready? "Trust your body," she advises. "Visualize what you would say, and if that makes you tense or upset—or like you want to throw up—you're not ready to forgive." 3.Now, forgive yourself.
More often than not, both people involved in a fight said or did things that contributed to the fallout, Brandt says. In those situations, the biggest barrier to forgiveness can be feelings of shame or embarrassment at your own actions. "Sometimes you have to forgive yourself before you can forgive the other person," she explains. "That means coming to terms with the fact that no one is perfect—not even you—and that we all make mistakes."
4.Forgiveness doesn't have to be spoken.
In some cases—lots of them, actually—trying to talk through your dispute or saying the words "I forgive you" is only going to reignite the fire of your old argument, Brandt says. In those cases, forgiveness may be something you silently acknowledge to yourself, and then demonstrate through your actions. Maybe you don't avoid her the next time you're in the same room. Or maybe you offer to pick him up at the airport. "Sometimes it's better just to move on and not to revisit," Brandt adds.
5.But other times, you've gotta talk it out.
If you know you won't be able to let go and move on without hearing an apology—or at least a better explanation—then at some point you'll need to sit down and hash things out with the other person, Brandt says. When you're emotionally ready to go through with this—again, trust your body, she says—be sure to focus what you say on your own feelings or behaviors, not the other person's. "Stick to 'I feel' statements, not 'you did' statements," she advises. "If you only talk about how you feel or why you did what you did, you'll stay away from accusations or assigning blame, which can make the other person defensive and trigger arguments." 6.Finally, establish boundaries.
Forgiving someone doesn't mean going back to the way you used to be, Brandt says. After all, how you used to be led to your big blowup. For that reason, it's important to establish rules or set boundaries that will keep you from slipping back into acrimony. Maybe that means limiting the amount of time you spend with the person, or avoiding certain situations or activities that you know could spell trouble. "I had a friend who told me he could only spend 20 minutes with his brother, because beyond that they'd argue," she says. Whether you avoid drinking ******* or discussing certain topics with the person, "setting those kinds of boundaries is a good idea," she adds.
